allaboutwomen

If there is something a bipolar person should pick up on real quick, it's that feelings are very temporary. Hope and regret are interchangeable. Love fades fast. Anger and sadness have the same roots. Joy is easily lost. But every single feeling can be pulled up if you focus long enough on it. And even if you aren't looking for a certain feeling, it will come back. That's just the cycle of life. Ebb and wain. Strong feelings don't have enough energy to remain strong, and content feelings aren't permanent, no matter how bad they seem.

I thought about my loneliness in a logical view point. And I decided I am not the only one in the world like me. There are surely others whose friends turn to them and whisper, "Did you see that ugly man?" Or "She was way too big for that skirt," and my only response is, "Huh? Who? I didn't see 'em." They hold no interest to me, so it's hard for me to judge: I simply don't care. It's not that I love people as they are. It's that I spent so long blind (pretty much) that my vision isn't what I base decisions on.

There must be others who go into college, and say, "I love learning! I have ABSALUTELY not clue what I'm going to college for anymore! I came in here for one thing, and now I cannot choose! I want to know it ALL!" Somebody else has to of counted how many doctorates they could possibly aquire before they die. Somdbody else must have actually decided what fields they would study, if they were to follow such a foolish plan.

I have been told, "Enjoy where you are. Be content." I have been told, "Life has no destination. Enjoy your ride." In that case, no I will not be content. I want to see so much scenery on this ride. I want to experiance all I can! I want to keep moving, keep learning, keep wondering.

Who else sincerely regrets that the phonograph was invented AFTER Chopin passed away, and thus, we will never hear him play his own compositions? Who reads and re-reads a book that seems to hold some mythical answer, a book that is definatly fiction? Who else sits watching Disney movies, and finds intricate human theories in each one? Who socio-analyzes the plot? Who psyco-analyzes the characters? There are many of us! I have known several.

If you take a bus of say, 20 childeren. There will be several groups of 3 to 5 childeren, there will be a few pairings of 2, there will be a few loners with their heads in books or handheld games devices, or doing their homework, or sleeping. And there will be a crowd of childeren, all the in kids. All the cool kids. And if you look carefully, there is at least one more child. Who does not talk with the cool kids, may sit beside them, but not amounst them. They just sit there, silent, doing nothing.
I know what they are doing. They are listening. They are gathering information. My purpose for this information was infiltration. I wanted to be accepted. I felt so alone.
Now, I know. There is no logical way I am one amoung billions, that I am the only one who watched. I know there are others out there like me. But we are so scared to reach out, especially to other loners, when we want to be accepted by the cool ones.

I am way to old to be worrying about this. But the trueth remains, that there is no magical number. I am not mystically an adult because I have reached a certain date on the calender. My clinging to my childhood, that must be a choice. Certainly, I have crossed many milestones that should have aged me. Yet, I am a child.

Good for learning. Bad for making friends with fellow adults and maintaining a marriage.

Perhaps our concept of adulthood is overly simplified.