allaboutwomen

  
 I had reached a point in mid-March where I discovered that I could leave my husband, and maybe even wanted to. This was due to the belief that he was leaving me: it was really a miscommunication. I'm still with him, and I'm not going to leave him, but I'm a lot less content now. Well, a lot has happened this year, starting with January: I went off my medicines, YAZ and symbyax. And I felt wonderful; I was clean, clear, not in a fog, it was like I was off of drugs (actually, I've never done drugs, so I can't really compare.) I lost 9 pounds in less than 3 weeks immediately afterward. That was when I joined SparkPeople. I also joined a gym during that time. Then I started vomiting every day. I wasn't allowed to leave the house, for fear of losing my job. I gained the weight back. I was finally allowed to return to my job (a cook [buffet runner] at a casino) but I still was throwing up every day. Not good for food service. So, I put in my two weeks notice, and surprise of surprises, got a job that started the day after my last day. So I spent a week in training, but then my car died, so I didn't really get into the field for more than a few days total. So, I've been a house wife. The real problem was between 1)illness, 2)training, and 3)no car [not only was my car broken, but so were my husband's and our usual ride's], I missed just about all my classes. So, I've failed an entire semester. And the last time I've had a period, was Feb. 20, though I'm not expecting one for another 14 days because my doctor told me to go ahead and start the YAZ again. If I don't get it, there isn't much I can do: I haven't been able to afford my health insurance, and my husband won't spot me. It doesn't help that I've had an insistent dry cough every night (nonsmoker). And I spent a good portion this week trying to help a friend, who is now our new roommate and will be our tenet. I've been getting very little and very disturbed sleep because she didn't have a car, we finally got mine working (though my job is finished) so I had to drive her around. Oh, the one good news is that we bought a house; we close on Thursday.

Let's list this:
1)Jobless
2)Frustrated with occasionally cruel (and more amplified in my mind) husband
3)Change of lifestyle to housewife
4)Failed school (I was supposed to graduate this spring)
5)Various car troubles (the solution now is every time I park or stop, I have to switch on the fan under the hood)
6)Sick for a long while
7)No insurance
8)New roommate, with her problems
9)Missing period
10) Limited availability to support [physically there friends, and talk to family]
11) Bad sleep
12)New house: moving: dealing with current landlady: packing by myself: cleaning by myself

Look at all those stressors! So, the little things are really getting to me. Like the weather; last week it was broiling, now it's cold and wet. Like when I can't complete tasks when I'm in town to set things up, like water and mortgage and car insurance; I want to cry when I hit a setback. Like when I know my husband gets off work at midnight, and doesn't come home until 2:30 or 3:30, so I spend all day with out talking to a single human. I am stressed.

So, I'm eating too much. I see that only because I write it down. I don't see it when I eat it; I see that I had the whole wheat for breakfast, or that I drank water with lunch, and I know I feel better. And I'm never exercising. I could, I should, there's no real excuse. I just don't.

Can I have a vacation? I know I don't deserve it, I haven't done a thing right in the past 5 months. But my head is back in a fog and I'm frustrated, I just want to chill from worrying about bills that I cause, and I want to eat the food that makes me feel accomplished: sushi, tea, fresh bell peppers, fresh berries. I want to stand in the glorious sun. I want to swim in the lake, and hit a baseball, and read in the library in a patch of sunlight. I want to do that for maybe two weeks, without dreading going to the class I am failing, or staying up late for the husband who plops himself online and never speaks to me again that night (see why I'm upset?) I want to laugh; I don't remember the last time I laughed. Somebody, please, tell me I'm going to be okay.