allaboutwomen

Buddhism: The ineffable ultimate in which one has attained disinterested wisdom and compassion.
Hinduism: Emancipation from ignorance and the extinction of all attachment.
Or: An ideal condition of rest, harmony, stability, or joy.

And why am I wondering? Well...It seems to me if you reach nirvana, you stop stressing and worrying. Because stressing and worrying is foolish, because you just make yourself upset without doing anything. And nirvana is wisdom.

I have reached a condition of rest, harmony, stability, and joy many times. It lasted all of Youth Group service. Being a new born Christian, the worship and the word swallowed me whole, engulfing me with the Holy Spirit. So, is that nirvana through Christ?

It's been years since I've consistantly been like that though. Years between then and the one time I went to church this Easter.

Somehow, I suspect I seek this peace just to run away. I don't want to deal with painful childhood memories. I don't want to face my old coworkers. I don't want to have to stand up to my inlaws expectations. I don't want to be picked apart by my family. I am too ashamed because I have failed.

What are my little school classmates doing? Going into careers I'm sure. They're smart, they'd never do something as old fashioned as be a housewife. I'm ashamed.

Why do I fear facing my coworkers? I quit a job, and didn't fulfill the next one. I didn't stick it through, and I'm not a big happy success. I don't want them to laugh at or pity me.

What ever I do, who ever I am, I cannot be good enough for my husband. First it was my acne, then it was that I worked too much, then it was that I was too fat, then it was that I was going to school instead of him, and now its that I'm a lousy housekeeper. Well, I cleared my acne, I reduced my work schedual, I'm not going to school, and I'd like a chance to unpack before somebody comes in and tryes to tell me how to keep a place clean!!!!

And what must my parents and brothers think? I was the big success: where my brothers struggled to complete highschool, I was working full time, paying bills, completeing college, finding a house, driving myself...now I'm completely dependant on my husband.

And yes, I'm fat. I can't do anything without that jumping in my face. It's my waist belly area. Two giant rolls, a beer gut with a belt. The love handles. The way I droop over my hips. The way from the front I have a waist, and from the side I'm so round I should be in the delivery room. It makes pants painful to button. It makes shirts look strange. I wear a dress, and I have 3 curves: bust, hips, and belly. I don't want something shapeless: those make me look fatter.

So, I'm aggitated all the time, defensive, picking fights with everybody. And I know all these worries and stress, they are pointless. My family now is my husband and I. Coworkers and old classmates shouldn't even enter my mind. I shouldn't worry about body image. I should try to be healthy. I should try to be happy. My inlaws didn't pick me, my inlaws didn't marry me. My parent's are going to be proud of what I have done, and my brothers are going to want the life I have anyway (they really don't want to live with my parents anymore.) But I am hung up on these pain inflicting thoughts. So, yes, I want to figure out how to become wise enough to not care. Where I just go around doing good. A person of action, not anxiety. I want to be able to reach harmony and stability long enough that I can get a good nights sleep, and be in the same room as my husband without nagging and arguing. I just want peace. Please.